What's a Meme?

What sat mean?
Okay so what? How long ya gonna let itaffectya?
Fiftyone? Fifty? (Get it- 5150! HA!)
It just doesn't make any sense, ya know?
Well, I'm trying to do some work on forgiveness.
Forgiving people is tough, but it can also mean giving yourself a great big break, too.
So, there's something very tempting in just the thought of that.

And here's how it started (yeah, my ego feels the need to document this. I can delete it anytime):
We were at this outdoor mall. We watched the fountains do their thing. See, it's not important, really doesn't matter, but I was talking and really felt the need to be heard. We started walking toward the restaurant.
For some reason I had to tell him my day's big story. Needed to feel important. I don't know why.
And I felt not just that I wasn't being listened to. I felt disregarded. Like I had to hurry up to keep up with someone who was attempting to ditch me-someone who didn't even want to be seen with me. I couldn't keep up, because I'm so much shorter, so much more out of shape, no matter how much I work out. I wasn't able to speak loudly enough. He didn't even know I was speaking, because I couldn't get close enough and speak loudly enough to get him to acknowledge my presence--or so it felt. And then all of a sudden, my feet went flying out from under me to the left, as my head and torso went to the right! my head hit the ridge of the fountain--not once but bounced and hit twice!
I was stunned.
A woman came running up to me from my left, a security guard came running up from behind, but HE kept walking. Didn't know I'd fallen. It's happened so many times like this. No responsibility in the situation. No understanding that it would be nice for us to walk together. It's not a competition to see who gets there first. That if he doesn't want to walk with me, why are we here????
So there's something wrong if we're not together in the moment. I THINK.

And I've been hurting ever since.
And I finally get a chance to talk to Robert about it. And what the fuck? It's over. Did I say anything? Did I protect my little girl? It's over. So I need to forgive and go on. Is it a show-stopper? Does the relationship live-or-die by this one individual situation? No. Does a relationship last forever? Maybe this one does, maybe it doesn't. It just led me into the prolonged discussion with Robert over forgiveness. It began with forgiving JFH, and actually ended up thanking him for staying away all those years. Next I'm learning to love RJE in a different way - for who he is -not who I want him to be. He doesn't understand his responsibility in how he lets me down on a regular basis. He doesn't understand what love really is. He thinks it's protecting me from having to make a few extra credit card payments or having to be without a few material things. He really doesn't understand about feelings at all. But I'm giving him credit for trying, which is what this work is all about, because he's a good, kind, and sweet person.
Then there's the other part of me that doesn't get what she needs in this life. The emotive, sensitive person who needs to connect with people on a different level. I was hoping I would be able to do this with my husband, but he doesn't know what this is. I have been trying to learn how to forgive him and myself for not meshing on this level.
The hardest work is coming in an older, deeper layer. This is about forgiving Sylvia and Glenn. I never thought I'd be working on this, to be honest. But the work is now here, and I can't deny that I have come to it. They need to be forgiven, so I can move on in my life and be happy. Here I am, willing and ready to do this work--not to 'forgive and forget' but to forgive and transcend the part of my life that included them. So I can be free of the anger that keeps me stuck in a negative cycle in my life. I have hated them for so long. I have pitied them for being so disgusting. And I have been so so angry at them. Now I realize that those words that Sylvia spoke to me so long ago really were true. She did the best she could. Which was very very poorly. And I forgive her for doing it - or not, as the case may have been.

So what IS a meme? It's something you are told to be true and just take to be true as fact.
Like I deserve to be treated a certain way.
Or he shouldn't want to walk with his wife to the restaurant.
Or I can't balance very well.
Or I'm a klutz.
Or I don't want to be loved.
Or I can't forgive them.
Or I can forgive them.
Or you deserve to be happy.
Whatever I want to say to myself and believe.
If you were to split it up, and dissect it, it could just be me-me instead of meme.
Ya know?
More later...